Words can be weapons

" You're just like your father."

My mother's most often used statement to me when she was exasperated with me.  Not that I probably didn't exasperate her numerous times!  But......these words were spoken in a harsh and critical manner by someone who hated my father. This was not a compliment.

Obstreperous was another word she used often - apparently both my father and I were obstreperous.  If you Google this word this is what you find: resisting control or restraint in a difficult manner; unruly. 2. noisy, clamorous, or boisterous. Well, that's food for thought. I was far from noisy, clamorous or boisterous - quite the opposite. And I don't think I ever resisted control because I never had any control, an issue that has caused a whole lot of collateral damage in my life. I kinda think my mom didn't really know the meaning of that word and actually neither did I until 5 minutes ago. My mother knew it was not a complimentary word and it most certainly fit my father's pattern of behaviour but to this day I truly do not understand why she felt that I was like that.  I was not an angel.  I was strong willed but could be restrained with the LOOK in a heartbeat. And if the LOOK didn't work it was "wait until your father comes home" and that resulted in my father using the belt on my behind. Doubt that he even bothered to ask what I was in trouble for. I feared my father because he yelled constantly, ruled the roost by tone of voice and when he felt the occasion warranted it he used his belt. Needless to say the LOOK worked on me pretty good! 

My father had some very wonderful qualities which I did inherit from him.  He was strong willed and so am I.  Thank God because that is what has saved my life. He was intelligent and very interested in politics and always kept up with the news of the world, an interest that we both share. He was a hard worker and provided well materially for his family. How I wish my mother would have used that phrase in a moment of praise for one of these fine qualities of his.

Words are weapons when used incorrectly, by the wrong people at the wrong time and spoken to the wrong person. To be told that I was exactly like the man that my mother hated was frightening, left me feeling insecure, and completely unloveable.  As I write this post the feelings that I had when those words were used are still very vivid and it still hurts terribly. It breaks my heart when I picture a child being spoken to like that. It breaks my heart that it is my heart.