Close your eyes and breathe

These moments of sheer panic and fear come in tsunami waves. I need to go to bed for the night.  I have made the rounds of the house.......I have unplugged every lamp and appliance.  I have held my hand on each burner of the stove and on the oven door to make sure that they are cold. I have held my hand on the toaster oven to make sure that it is cold even tho I can see that the outlet is bare of any cords. I go to bed and get under the covers.  But......I must get up and make the rounds again in case I have forgotten something. Did I check the coffee pot?  I try to turn on each lamp - darkness. I put my hand directly on the burners - cold.  I put my hand on the oven door - cold. I put my hand on the toaster oven - cold. Yes, the coffee pot is unplugged and the carafe is cold. Breathe I tell myself.  You have done your job.  The house is safe and I can go to bed.  I repeat this ritual time and time again.  Finally, I am so tired that when I go to bed for the last time I will myself to stay in bed and breathe.  This happens night after night after night. Some nights I sleep for an hour or two and then get up and make my rounds again. Some nights I sleep on the couch because I have this feeling that if I am in the middle of the house I will be in control of anything that should happen to me or my house in the night. Please, I tell myself, just breathe.......deep breathes......the morning will come. And.......I will start all over again.