Once the legal process was underway my emotional health was tested severely. Days would go by waiting for promised calls, days would arrive with calls of disappointing news, months would go by waiting for Crown Counsel to either reward me with my day in court or bounce my file back to the detachment yet again looking for even more information. These 3 years were the hardest years of this entire journey and during these years was when I truly felt like I was being blown into a million little pieces. I toss this chapter in here because as I try my best to recount those 3 years I can dispense with the long winded explanation of "losing one's mind" from my perspective.
Have you ever said these words " I'm going to lose my mind"? Anyone with offspring will say that approx. 10 times per day! But......have you ever said those words to your therapist in a desperate plea for someone to help you, to rescue you because you are so worn down by the feelings of the fear, the panic, the anxiety and the pain? I have used those words more than once and I have used them when I truly, deep in my soul felt like I was coming apart in all directions.
I have sat on my couch in the middle of the day with all of the blinds closed, huddled under the quilt absolutely terrified that I will not be able to look after myself for the rest of the day, never mind the rest of the week or my life. I have poured myself into a seat on an American Airlines 757 bound for Dallas, Texas to fall into the safe arms of my best friend in the entire world. I have made that trip at the strong suggestion of my therapist that I go far away, into the sunshine and escape the constant "poke and jab" that the legal system was laying on me. Note: It is a legal system not a justice system. I have laid on the floor hugging my dog as though she were a life raft and I a drowning soul. I have had to pull over and park because my panic attack was consuming every grey cell in my brain. I have walked into the doctors' office convinced that I was having a heart attack and I needed to be somewhere safe. What I received was a shot in the arm of 10ml of Valium that never even fizzed on the best part of me other than to slow down my breathing. The average person would be out like a light for several hours with that dose but I walked to the lab (much to the utter amazement of the tech), had an ecg and blood work done and walked home and was still wide awake 3 hours later when the dr called to tell me that I had not had a heart attack - no surprise to anyone but simply a matter of protocal whenever someone presents with chest pains. I have walked into the dr's office looking like a homeless person in my pajamas and completely distraught and when asked why I was so upset - I had no words to string together to even answer that question. I'm not sure which was scarier to the doctors - me showing up in the throes of a "heart attack" or me showing up looking like a homeless person! If you want to get right in to see the dr try one of the above!
I finally came up with a description of how I felt so that I could explain to all of my various caregivers just what was going on in my head. I told them that I felt like a big jigsaw puzzle. I was all put together - ok sort of put together! - and then I started therapy and my puzzle started to come apart and then I entered the dark world of the legal system and all of the pieces blew apart and landed on the floor. My job was to learn how to put those pieces all back together one at a time which I have finally succeeded in doing so. But....along would come a demon of the past or present and I would feel like I had been swept off of the table and I was in a heap of pieces on the floor again. Sometimes it was just a minor gust and only a few pieces hit the hardwood but there were some occasions when hurricane force winds swept my world off of the table, knocked every piece apart and tossed them haphazardly all over the room. I used this analogy for 4 years during my therapy to best explain my world at any given time.
So yes, it is possible to actually lose your mind but the good news is that if you just keep looking and patiently put the pieces back together enough times you can put your puzzle together and hang onto your mind. You will however lose the excuse of " I'm losing my mind" to get out of missed appointments, etc!!!
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