Okey Dokey.........been a wild ride for that past few weeks.........anyone who has ever suffered from PTSD/Anxiety/Depression knows that every once in awhile, out of nowhere, when you least expect it...........kaboom..........you are hit with a "crash". Sometimes these events are a day long, maybe a week........or sometimes they last for a long time and take you to the very depths of your soul. Sometimes they are triggered by past events and sometimes they are triggered by numerous current events all piled one on top of the other. Sometimes they are medication issues that need to be adjusted. Whatever the cause of the "crash" the result is a dark, scary, heart broken place that you wonder if you even want to try to recover from. When you open your eyes in the morning and your first thought is " oh crap....I can't do this another day" and you are in tears before you have even got out of bed, when you know that most people just don't "get it" and that this will be another day that you have to paste on some sort of phoney smile or better yet......just stay home, close the blinds to keep the world out and try very hard not to put your burden onto anyone else.........at a time when you most need these people it is very hard to make it all work. It's hard to find a reason to even want to make it all work.
That's where I've been for the past 6 weeks. Some days were very very dark and other days were manageable. There was the day I went to the doctor's in my pajamas and cried and said " I cannot do this another day". There was the day that I fell apart in a total heap of rubble on the running trail because I was scared out of my wits when a man stepped out in front of me ( quite innocent on his part) but triggered the most frightening piece of my memories and before I could get a grip on my world I slowly fell apart to the point that my friend Laurel had to come and get me from the trail and I fell to my knees and sobbed. There was the day I rec'd a few texts from a very dear friend that were rec'd by me in a very painful way - I thought my heart was truly breaking into pieces - if I put my hand on my heart I felt it cracking and breaking. I've been to the doctor, the lab, the pharmacy, my therapist and then repeated that cycle. I've had some medication changes, the most annoying apt with the Pyschiatrist that I have to see once a year to sign off on my meds - the woman is a complete ass in my opinion.
So........now that I feel that I coming back into the land of the living and working hard at making my days meaningful I am ready to carry on with my story - just not today!
There are imprints in your brain that no matter how hard you try to work past them they are there forever stained and marked. They don't go away. They are part of your soul. You don't just "get over it" as some people would like to believe. You "get around it" the best way that you know how. You have to find your voice and your words and quietly and gracefully take care of yourself first.
But........thankfully I can pull it out of my butt when I need to because in the midst of all of this darkness I had my full on, face to face 2 hour interview with a retired RCMP officer who is working on my enhanced security clearance! I tell you, I was at my best that morning! I might lose a few battles along the way but I am going to win the war!!!
Good to be back............:-))
