Please - before you read any further I need you to know that there are some hard truths in the following post that may be uncomfortable for you to read.
June 2, 2007 - One of those life altering moments......afte a year of therapy I had finally reached the place where I was ready to confront my abuser in the presence of my therapist. What did I hope to gain? I wanted to see him in a very vulnerable position - something he had done to me for 20 years. I wanted him to be face to face with me and have to look me and either admit that he had done this to me or watch him try to lie his way out of the reality. I wanted him to hurt to the core although I now know that he is a sociopath and they tend to have no remorse or guilt for any action. I wanted him to see that I was no longer under his influence of fear and that he now needed to be fearful of me and what further action I might take. I wanted him to know that he was now a marked man.
My therapist arranged for this meeting. I was to wait in the parking lot until Fred came out to get me. All the way up in the elevator I was trying to breathe and be strong but the minute the door opened I turned against the wall and tried to go back onto the elevator. Fred put his arm around my shoulder and literally took me into his office - I had to walk past my uncle who was sitting in the waiting area. I had some time alone with Fred to pull myself together and then he was invited in and sat on the other side of the office with Fred on a chair beside me. I started to read my letter and the tears began to drop onto the paper blurring the ink. I never made eye contact with him once. I finished reading my letter and I am not sure what really happened next but I do remember him saying that he knew exactly how I felt because he had been abused by 2 of his sisters. The lamest most pathetic statement : he knew how I felt? A bit more babbling on his part and then he finally said the words that I wanted to hear " Well if it's an apology that you want, you've got it." He said it very flippantly in an almost mocking tone of voice. But - he admitted to his actions. Surely this would be the statement that could be used against him...... I still had not raised my head to look at him and finally Fred sent him on his way and then worked with me for awhile so that I could go home. I still have that letter - blurred ink where my tears fell - and I have placed it in my memory box. The events of that afternoon led to a very pivotal point in my journey. I soon became file #07-20901 with the Langley RCMP Serious Crimes.
The letter:
I want to thank you for coming here today. When I heard that you had been very agreeable to this meeting I wondered if you had any idea why you have been asked here. Today is the day that my existing life is over and I begin working on building a brand new life. A life that is going to be filled with joy, love, peace, confidence, happiness and a sense of being safe. For 30 years I have not experienced these feelings and I grieve for a life not lived.
In 1976 your actions towards me sent me down a path of life that has done nothing but cause me pain and sorrow. I missed out on having the life that I dreamt about. I have never had a normal relationship with a man, I never married and had the children that I so badly wanted to have and I have never had the partner in life that I deserve and desire. My heart hurts inside for the life that I lost and I wonder if I will have the time, opportunity and courage to ever have that life. All because you chose to prey on and seduce me. I know that I wasn’t your first choice. I know that you made a move on my sister but she was strong enough to rebuff you and despises you to this day. But it didn’t take you long to realize that I would be easier prey. I was the chubby child who had tried unsuccessfully to be good enough for her father and who was repeatedly told how much she reminded her mother of her father, a man she hated.
I had never really known you when I was a child and first met you when I was about 17 years old in the summer of 1976. Growing up in a very dysfunctional family I had had no father/daughter relationship and you were the first male to really pay attention to me. My mother was extremely distracted at the time – she had just fled a dangerous situation with my dad, she was in a new relationship with a man that was as equally dysfunctional as my father and she was dealing with a lot of hostility from Allison. My mother also really adored you and she looked up to you. You were her saviour when she arrived in Coquitlam. And when I flew in to have a visit with my mother before leaving for school I, a young, shy teenager, met you – and I was mesmerized. You paid so much attention to me, you treated me like an adult, you flirted with me – in front of your girlfriend Barb - and my mother missed every inappropriate action. I saw you again at Christmas time. Do you remember the trip to Princeton to see the new store? Do you remember asking me to sit beside you in the car?
The summer of 1977 you did something so inappropriate, that today, 30 years later, I still cry whenever I think of that night. You attempted to seduce me in front of your fireplace and later crawled into bed with me and ran your hand up my leg. I was so inexperienced and naïve. I knew that something was wrong but I didn’t know how to stop you. Saying “no” to my father had always resulted in either being yelled at or hit, so I had learned at an early age that “no” didn’t work for me. You bragged to me so many times how many women you had slept with – that you couldn’t even remember the number. I was clearly way out of my league here and you took complete advantage of me. There was no one to talk to, no one to save me from your intentions. I got on a plane and went back to school with a horrible secret that scared me and embarrassed me.
Christmas 1977 - my mother invited you and Tony to spend Christmas with our family in Princeton . It was arranged that you would pick me up at the airport in Vancouver and take me with you to Princeton . I had so hoped that you had either forgotten about what had happened or had realized how inappropriate it was. The house was full of family and I thought that I would be safe there. I was sleeping on the couch and woke up to find you on your knees beside me with your hand under the quilt on my thigh. You begged me not to say anything to my mother. I cannot to this day believe that you were that bold as to pull a stunt like that with 5 other people sleeping within yards of that couch. How I wish now that you had been caught or that I had told my mother. But, that would have ruined Christmas for everyone, so I said nothing. That summer my mother, once again completely distracted by yet another dysfunctional relationship called upon you for help and you were only too happy to head down to Princeton to save her again. You were my Mother’s favorite brother and I think you took advantage of that. That night you took me to the Princeton Hotel bar – even though I was underage – and you treated me like a “date” not a niece. My mother was fighting with everyone in the house and it was “suggested” that I come down to Langley
Over the next 20 years you gave me diseases, you used me as your own private whore, you dragged me into your stupid little game of espionage to try to catch Marilyn in her affair and you even suggested once that you wanted to have another woman in bed with me at the same time. Do you remember asking me if it would be ok if you found another guy so that you could hide in the closet and watch? When I think of some of the things you said and did I am physically ill. I cry every day for the life that was stolen from me, for the things that you did to me, for the shame that I feel, for the guilt I carry that I did not find the courage to stand up for myself against you. You will never ever know how you ruined my life. You are a sexual predator and a sexual deviant - you are exactly like your own father. The 3 adults in my life that I should have been able to rely on either abandoned me or used me when I needed them the most. My father emotionally and physically abused me, my mother was so distracted by all of the dysfunctional men in her life and trying to raise Louise on her own that she wasn’t emotionally available and you – You saw the weakness in me and you preyed on that. You could have been my “hero”, a mentor, someone that I could rely upon and trust, especially after my parents died when I was only 25 and 28 years old.
You stole from me my innocence, so many first experiences that should have been shared with someone who loved me and that I would be able to remember with tenderness and fondness, not embarrassment and disgust. You single-handedly destroyed my life for your own simple pleasure. To this day I feel like damaged goods, it takes me forever to trust someone, I feel starved for love and affection and would love nothing more than to be hugged but I am frightened beyond belief to have anyone touch me in an intimate way. I struggle to feel safe even in my own home and I have worked hard at overcoming my anxiety about leaving my home. I have many days when I do not want to live but yet I also do not want to die. I am so envious of the solid family lives that I see around me, knowing I will never have that and that hurts me to the core. No one will ever call me “Mom or Grandma”. I worry that I will die all alone.
It is my hope that you can find it in your heart to show me some remorse, to apologize for the destruction you caused. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive you but that is one of my next tasks I will work on. For 30 years I have carried a lot of pain in my heart and I know that you don’t have 30 years left to live, but I hope that every day that you do have left you think about what you did to me and feel just some of the pain that I have lived with and continue to live with to this day.
Again, thank you for coming here and allowing me to read this letter to you as part of my journey of healing. I would ask that you never contact me again.
No comments:
Post a Comment