How would I describe the last 4 years of "work" - which therapy is by the way! How would I describe myself then - when I arrived at my first therapy appointment I felt quite confident, quite in control and really, I just needed a few excercises to help me deal with this anxiety thing that had cropped up over the past few months. Surely, some techniques on a hand out would be just the ticket. Apparently not. My therapist has had 30+ years of experience working with all types of clients and he can spot a problem a mile away. He is also wise enough to know that that problem must rise to the surface on its own - one cannot read a book or do some breathing excercises and all will be well. Anxiety is a symptom of something much deeper. So, we chit chatted and for a few weeks danced around the elephant in the room and then........it happened.......I needed to disclose what had happened. He nodded.....wise man that he is he knew that I would find my trust, my time and my safe spot to blurt it out. And with that we started our long road together.
What happened over the course of the first year is that I became this jigsaw puzzle of various pieces of my life. I was a box of loose pieces that needed to be put together in order to be a whole picture. So many many times I felt like my puzzle was coming together and then something would happen and I ended up feeling like my puzzle had been knocked onto the floor and had broken apart yet again. " A million little pieces" is a phrase I wore out I used it so often. Week by week and month by month more of the puzzle would be assembled before it was knocked off the table yet again. I learned how to put that puzzle back together faster each time but still when I was knocked off of the table I felt broken and scattered and a heap of pieces on the floor. There were police interviews, court dates set and cancelled the day before, emails and voice mails left for someone, anyone to tell me what the hell was going on with my file, files sent to Crown Counsel where they entered into the great white abyss known as the gatekeeping committee, files were sent back to the police, more interviewing, more messages left trying to find out why and what to do. An endless stream of your life being paraded in front of people who are trying so hard to help you but the "system" keeps getting in the way.
Many times I sat under the quilt on the couch, shaking, crying, feeling completely abandoned and scared to even breathe. Broken again into a million little pieces laying on the floor and no energy left to try to even pick them up. But piece by piece I have put my puzzle back together and yes, even today those pieces sometimes end up back on the floor but my puzzle stays on the table waiting for the holes to be refilled. Piece by piece I have worked to put together my new life. One piece at a time.
Don't stop picking up your pieces and putting them back together. Sometimes it is one piece a day and sometimes you find all of the blue sky pieces and suddenly you have sky in your puzzle. Don't be afraid if your puzzle falls off the table - just breathe.......and pick it up one piece at a time.
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